. . . and returning

Standard

The first 24-48 hours after coming off a silent retreat can be challenging.  People move way too fast and speak too loudly. You have to cook your own meals, which are in no way as tasty or healthy as those that to which you’ve become accustomed in the dining hall. Since I’ve been home I find myself  just sitting quietly doing nothing as if  I’m still waiting for the bell to ring, calling me to the meditation hall.  And then looking around at my messy house, I realize I ain’t at Spirit Rock anymore.  And while I love being home with my critters and my comforts, I sure wish I could have a few silent sincere yogis come clean my house, cook my meals and ring a bell reminding me to meditate. Oh, and while I’m wishing, I want to adopt Sylvia Boorstein as the Jewish grandmother I never had.

This was a particularly sweet and easy retreat for me. Unlike previous retreats where it takes me a day or two to land and become accustomed to the schedule and the bed and that blasted hike back up the hill from the dining hall, I settled in rather quickly.  Since this is my third retreat there in 13 months, all that stuff that used to be new and scary is now familiar and comforting.  But, there was one new twist to this retreat, I wasn’t there alone.  One of my closest friends, Frank, decided to join me. This was his first Spirit Rock silent retreat and while I had no concerns that he could handle all the meditation, I was a bit worried how he was going to take to the silence. Me, I love love LOVE it.  I was really hoping that Frank would grow to love it too.

The focus of this retreat was on Metta (or loving-kindness for those whose Pali is a bit rusty. Some teachers even translate it as mere friendliness of heart). So for seven days, we meditated on cultivating a heart full of loving-kindness directed towards an ever expanding circle of beings.  If you are not familiar with the practice, Wikipedia has a pretty good description here.  The practice is quite beautiful and inspiring. In fact, on about the fourth day, the physical sensation of my heart expanding became so intense I thought I was possibly having a heart attack. I nearly tackled  poor Sylvia on her way out of the dharma talk, so badly was the need to be reassured that I wasn’t  dying. She assured me I wasn’t, and that what was happening was actually a good thing. (Yes, a heart full of metta, a concentrated mind and a tendency towards panic attacks makes for some interesting physical sensations.)

Some highlights of the reatreat:

  • I got to be a bell ringer! I’ve always wanted to ring the big bell that summons people to the meditation hall. And no one could accuse me of being tentative with that bell. I whacked the hell out of it. No one was going to miss the 4pm dharma talk because they couldn’t hear the bell. No, not on my watch.
  • Turkeys!! God, I love those stupid turkeys. I was actually quite concerned when I didn’t see them for the first couple of days. But when I finally saw the flock, I was so happy I almost wanted to cry (yeah, metta not just warms the heart, but apparently it supercharges the tear ducts).
  • On the sixth day, when the silence is lifted for a short period, Frank and I found each, embraced, and the first words out of our mouths were “I love you” (and I, of course, started crying).  He loved the retreat. I was filled with mudita. Plus, it was such a relief to finally be able to talk and laugh openly.  For the entire week every time our eyes met in the dining hall, we both had to suppress bursting out laughing.  Nothing was particularly funny, but I think we were like two naughty children in church who can’t help but giggle when everyone else around them is so silent and serious.
  • Coyotes! It’s hard to believe, but I think this may have been my first experience of hearing coyotes howl at the moon. When I first heard it while doing an evening walking meditation, I was transfixed.  And then when I was awoken by a pack of coyotes howling outside my window at 3am, I was in awe. But, when they woke me again at 5:30am, I thought to myself “Jesus, coyotes, it’s just the freakin’ moon. Give it a rest”.
  • When deciding which retreat to sit, there is usually at least one teacher that is the main attraction for me. In this case, it was Sylvia. But, as always, there were no duds, all the teachers add their own hearts to the mix. But, often there is a pleasant surprise, a teacher who I fall a little in love with. For this retreat, it was  Heather Martin. She didn’t  look like the typical Spirit Rock teacher, who tends to look a bit earthy, or at the very least, psychotherapist-y.  Heather looked like the prototypical middle-aged English Rose. But, she was delightfully honest, funny and very wise. I would love to sit another retreat with her.

I think that’s all I want to say about it. It’s funny, at previous retreats, my narrator seems to be ever present, and I tend to instantly translate all my experiences into stories. This time, she was notably absent, and my retreat journal, which is normally voluminous, was quite brief this time.  Which isn’t great for my writing aspirations, but I think it’s good progress towards my deeper aspiration to greet each present moment, no matter what it brings, as a friend.

May you be happy and peaceful
May you be safe and protected
May you healthy and strong
May you live with ease.

Advertisements

10 responses »

  1. Well captured, dear friend, except you forgot to mention the Nights of the Living Dead. Seriously, when I first saw all those people walking slower than snails in absolute silence with heads bowed and full body coverings, I almost ran for the hills to howl at the moon with the coyotes! Instead, I became one of them. I think I was bit in the night. Talking is WAY over-rated.

  2. Sandra – You’re welcome.
    Frank – after you’ve done a retreat or two you become used to the whole zombie walking thing. Well, maybe not entirely. I think it was on the second day and I was already down at the dining hall getting ready to head in for lunch. I looked up the hill and the sight of all the retreatants slowly walking down the hill was very definitely George Romeroesque. I almost broke out in a guffaw, but instead I smiled serenely and tried to look blissful. Oh yes, and that’s when I knew you were on board when I finally saw you doing walking meditation. Join us, join us JOIN US!

  3. I’m still a newbie but I really look forward going to a retreat at Spirit Rock in the future. I’ve been lurking on your blog for a couple of years now and I just wanted to day that I enjoy your posts and you’re a great writer.

    Debra

    • Thank you for your kind words. I hope you get an opportunity soon to do retreat at Spirit Rock. Not only is it physically beautiful, but the sense of safety and being cared for is like nothing else I experience in my life.

      Take care.

  4. Dear Mary,

    As another occasional lurker, I am so pleased to see that you are still doing your wonderful blog and even more pleased that you have been sitting at Spirit Rock! As someone who is now living far, far away from any place where I can sit with anyone like Sylvia (and in a region where silence is a four letter word), reading your description makes my own heart want to explode with sweet memories. Enjoy thoroughly and I will try to lurk more often so I can read about more retreats.

    May you be free.

    Your old sangha friend, Analisa

    PS – LOVE the Living Dead description! That about captures my first impressions of walking meditation too!

    • Hi Analisa —

      How lovely to hear from you again! I was wondering who was reading me in Estonia. 🙂

      I’m leaving tomorrow on another retreat at Spirit Rock, this one with Sharon Salzberg and Tsokyni Rinpoche. Considering my practice right now is both Vipassana and Mahamudra/Dzogchen, this retreat is right up my alley. I hope I will be able to do it justice in my reporting.

      Hope you are well and happy.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s