Checking in

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Oh, hi.  It’s been a while, hasn’t it?  It’s been about two months since I last checked in with y’all.

Things here at Chez LazyBuddhist have been fine, for the most part.  Though I  did just lose Mrs. Peabody to cancer.  I had to put her to sleep last Friday.  Horrible decision, but I believe the right one.  She had a fast-growing tumor in her face which made it harder and harder for her to eat.  Maybe I erred on the side of too early – she still had a lot of life and spirit in her – but within a couple of days she would not be able to eat at all, then the risk of her going into a very painful condition called stasis would be quite high.  I did not want her to suffer. Everyone has assured I did the right thing at the right time, but still, it pains me.

It’s funny, I never thought I had a close bond with Mrs. P.  I always likened our relationship as a slightly icy mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship. I tolerated her because she made my boy bunny, Mr. Binkles happy.  They were a bonded pair. But, Binkles still has his mommy relationship with me, which I think made Peabody a little jealous.  She never came up to me and ask for petting, or even bothered to check in with me occasionally as she did her evening romps around the house.  I was OK with that. She was a very pretty bunny, as well as a very calm, confident one. Watching them simply be bunnies, either together or separately was always a joy.

I surprised myself a bit with how emotional I’ve been about this loss.  At first I thought I was mostly going to be upset with how it would affect Binkles. But, the copious tears I cried before, during and after her death tell me I was more attached than I thought.  She was a quiet presence, but one that was filled with life and an innate intelligence  I miss you, Mrs. Peabody.

*********

My spiritual practice has been going great guns.  According to this cool iPhone app, Insight Timer, for the last two months, I’ve been averaging 52 minutes a day meditating.  And next week at this time, I’ll be out at Spirit Rock again at a nine-day concentration retreat.

I’ve found a sitting group where I’m comfortable.  It’s a large group so it’s fairly easy to just blend into the crowd.  I still aspire to find a group where I can make some connections, yet not get consumed by the group.  It may be possible with this one, I just need to feel comfortable enough to show up at their monthly pre-sitting burrito party. For now, I’m happy just breezing in, having a lovely meditation, listening to the dharma talk, throwing a few bucks in the dana basket, and then breezing out.

The rest of my life has been fine. I’ve been working with some old traumatic/emotional shit in therapy.  Not always fun, but I think it’s worth it. Will the result be a new, improved Not-So-LazyBuddhist?  I doubt it. I’m actually pretty OK as I am. It will just be nice to clear out some of the obstacles that obscure my light.

Hope all has been well with you. I’m hoping this writing dry spell will end soon.

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8 responses »

  1. “I’m hoping this writing dry spell will end soon.”

    I think it just did. Surprising sometimes how surprising our emotional whirlds can be.

  2. Glad to hear things are going well. Condolences on losing Mrs. Peabody. I lost all 3 of my rabbits in the past 6 months. I understand the void those balls of fluff leave.

  3. Sympathies on Mrs Peabody’s loss. It sounds as though you did exactly the right thing at precisely the right time but I know how heartbreaking such a decision can be – and the risk of second-guessing oneself afterwards – as I had to make a similar decision with my first rabbit, Dobby.

    Glad to know that you’re okay.

  4. Hello! I’ve missed your writing. Let me just say that if I were in Mrs. Peabody’s place I would want you to make the decision when you made it for me. I bet she was/is very grateful. So how is Mr. Binkles adjusting?

    • Hi Janine – Thanks for the encouragement. I’ve missed writing too and the connections I make through it. It’s just been one of those internal times. After my retreat I may eventually tire of being so internal and start writing more again.

      Binkles is doing OK. He’s spends much more time close to me when he is out of his pen, so he is getting a lot more attention. Before, he and Peabody could be pretty oblivious to my presence because they were in their little bunny world. The only time he seems like he misses her is at meals and snack time. They had this routine where they would chase each other several times around their pen and then Binkles would steal Peabody’s piece of lettuce and then she would steal it back. It was hysterical to watch. Now at meal time he seems a bit less enthusiastic. The food is just food and not a chance to play.

      However, his loneliness may not last for long. While I’m out on retreat, he’ll be dating. When I’m out of town he gets boarded at this wonderful rabbit rescue/bed and board/pet supply shop. I gave the owner permission to try and bond him with one of the girl bunnies who is up for adoption (he’s too competitive to have a boy companion). When I checked out his potential mates, I definitely had my own preferences. But, as I told the owner, the choice is completely up to him. Whoever he likes the best. So perhaps when I go to pick him up, he may be coming home with a new mate.

      Hope all is well with you and Iver. Tell him “hi” for me.

  5. It seems like just yesterday my spiritual practice was “going great guns” and yours was just stumbling along. Now it’s the other way around. Such is life. Leaving the NKT has been cathartic, but I’ve not quite kept up on the tantra. I have landed on my feet at another centre though. Will get back on track again, with luck. It goes uphill and downhill, this path we stumble along, doesn’t it?

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