So very tired

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I’m so tired.

And not just the kind of tired you become when you don’t get enough sleep. Though, that certainly may be part of it.

Nor is it the kind of tired you feel after a exerting a lot of energy.  Again, sometimes there’s that too.

Nor is it the general sense of exhaustion that comes with depression. But, I wouldn’t be surprised if there wasn’t a smidge of that too.

The tired I’ve been feeling for a while now goes deeper.  And it manifests itself in just a deep need to be left alone.  I’m not feeling particularly misanthropic, I just want to be left alone – no obligations to anyone or anything – until it gets to the point where I don’t want to be alone anymore.

I used to think my desire, no, need, for solitude was somewhat pathological and symptomatic of chronic depression.   That was until I took the Meyers Briggs Personality Type test.   If you’re unfamiliar with it, do check into it, because I’m too tired to explain it all here.  But for those who are familiar, or who just clicked on the link and are now illuminated into the world of Meyers Briggs, I am an INTJ.  I’m very very strong on the Introversion and Intuitive, but my Thinking could easily flip into a flip into a Feeling depending on when I take the test, as could my Judging turn to Perceiving.  But Introversion?  It was something ridiculous like 90-95%.  Now, anyone who knows me personally and are not familiar with the Meyers Briggs meaning of introversion are probably laughing their asses off.

But, from a Meyers Briggs perspective, the Introversion-Extraversion preference really comes down to where you get your energy.  Extroverts get their energy through action, through interactions with others – external stimulation. Whereas with introverts, we need time to reflect. All that external stimulation runs down our battery. We need time alone to recharge.  My battery needs some serious recharging.

It’s not that I don’t spend a lot of time alone.  I do.  I live alone and I like it, but the time I spend alone in the evening only recharges my battery enough to get through the next day.  On the weekends there is the boyfriend, who (even though he will deny it because it goes against his own story of being the poor, sensitive lad who was misunderstood by his parents and society) is most definitely an extravert.  I think he is energized by my mere presence and feels like he doesn’t really need to make an effort to have fun.  Where, for me, his presence is a drain on my battery, and we damn well better do something fun to justify the energy expenditure on my part.  It’s a struggle.

My fantasy vacation is a week or two in a little cabin up in the redwoods somewhere.  Alone. Maybe I’d leave the cabin and go for a walk.  Maybe not.  Maybe I’d spend the first few days wrapped in a blanket catching up on my reading.  Maybe I’d work on my novel. Maybe I’d just mindlessless surf the web.  I wouldn’t have to report to anyone, have anyone report to me, or be responsible for the feeding or entertaining of any other soul than myself.

Oh man, that sounds so good.  Maybe someday. But, for now, my battery has enough charge to get through the day.  And I guess that’s good enough for now.

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12 responses »

  1. I’m glad I’m not the only one who needs tons of recovery time. I’m sure the excitement and stress of the new job helped sap your reserves. Sometimes It’s hard to explain to folks how a dinner out or even some time spent with friends can be at once fun and taxing.
    I hope you’ll find some time soon to get away.

  2. I completely understand. I haven’t been doing very much lately. After four hectic months at school, and the silly season upon us, I need a rest too. Luckily, in three weeks, I get a five week holiday. That will help bolster my reserves.

    I wish you all the best. Take time and re-energize.

  3. Check craigslist. They have tons of listings for weekend and weekday cabin rentals. Some are rustic; some are really lush. Prices vary but there is always something affordable, especially right now when no one is renting! I looked at some places in the Russian River area but there are lots of different areas. I highly recommend it. You need to do it for yourself.

    Take care of yourself. You owe that to yourself. You’ve been through a lot of crap lately!

  4. Well, I certainly relate, as I’m sure you know already. I also score about 90 to 95% on the introversion part.

    But then I’m single, so the recharging bit is so much easier. You really do just need to find a way to get away by yourself for a while. It’s that simple. I’m sure your boyfriend will understand if you went away to a log cabin on your own.

    Once you’re recharged, things can resume as usual. Does that sound like some kind of plan?

    I’m surprised to hear you’re actually INTJ. I am definitely INTP. Though I think the P part is probably not as strong in me as the I, the N and the T. Still, every time I take any of these tests, the same 4 letters keep popping up. I suspect I may have been INTJ at certain points in my life – those practical and constructive phases I’ve gone through – but right now I’m back in the deeply philosophical La La Land of the INTP.

  5. While I have never put much stock in those types of tests, I indeed know the need to be alone every now and then. So on that end I know the feeling.

    As for cabins in the redwoods? I don’t think you could go wrong there. Its absolutely gorgeous this time of year. Everything is a deep green, the morning mists burn off by mid-morning and the temperature (while they have been extremely cold lately) are perfect for a fire, blanket and book.

    Put some serious thought into this one, there is never a time like now to spend the weekend on the Lost Coast.

  6. I sometimes have to give myself permission to pretend I am out of town. I tell my friends I will not be available for a few days, buy all my favorite food, and turn my home into a cozy retreat by turning off the electronics (phone, computer,TV,etc).
    I then curl up with books or art supplies and stay quiet for a few days.
    It’s a lovely vacation and I can take my cat.
    Afterward I am not quite as “tired”.

  7. I brewed a bock beer yesterday. It was a lot of work, right up until dusk, when I managed to get the 10 gallons of beer inside but left the equipment out; I made it in to the easychair, and feel asleep at 6 pm.

    I slept through Mrs. Ombud watching an episode of 6 Feet Under and an episode of Mystery, stumbled up to bed and slept until 6 am, but for an insomniac hour or so between 2 and 3.

    I must have needed it.

    I hope you stumble into the arms of sweet Morpheus for a long slumber sometime soon, too.

  8. I hear ya!

    I, too, do what Leakelley does sometimes. I just downright lie to everyone that I’m away doing something, and then I just hole up at home with books and tea and dvds and nobody else for a weekend. Bliss.

    I’d highly recommend it, even if you can’t get to a log cabin in the woods, you can re-create one at home with all the solitude and peace and freedom from other people’s energy demands that you need to recharge.

  9. *grins* kinda ironic to comment and interact with you on this one, when it’s a post about feeling introverted and needing people to leave you alone.

    It’s a tough time of year to win that solitude. I don’t feel quite the way you do, but I really, really want to skip christmas this year. No big deals, no expectation, no obligations… no one can afford it anyway. Wouldn’t that be nice?

    Instead gonna just pour energy today into a last minute effort to try and look like I’ve put thought and time into shopping, preparing for the holiday.

    Just can’t get into it, though.

  10. Have you also heard that we become stronger in our tendencies as we age (so that if you’re an “I” or even a weak “E,” you’ll become a very strong “I” as you grow older)? I am an ENTP, with a not very strong either N or T, I don’t recall which.

    I’m not surprised that I ended up an “E”—youngest kid, very flexible relative to being around others. But if I were to take the test now, I bet the E is growing weaker. Maybe it’s the writing and painting, but I really need alone time. Also having kids, eats up solitude, such that I crave it immensely and get exhausted when I don’t have enough.

    Anyhoo, if I’m struggling through the intensity of the holly-days over here as an E, I can only imagine the challenges for a very strong I. Take care, you.

  11. I was going to write, “YES! That’s me! I know exactly what you mean!” but then so did all your other commenters. Well, that’s boring. I have done the Meyers Briggs a number of times and also come out nice and heavy on the introvert side. No surprise there. I had forgotten the part about how introverts are revitalized by solitude. I know that is true for me. For the last two years, I have spent my birthday by taking the day off and puttering alone in my house – usually organizing something which I love doing. People say, “you’re spending your birthday ALONE?” Yes, I cannot think of a more lovely day. And then after my perfect day, my best friend comes home and we have wine and a great meal together. Perfect.

    But enough about me – VOR is absolutely correct . . .I mean Adam (we call him VOR). We have some GREAT, beautiful, peaceful places up here to hide away. I have a friend who has similar introvert needs to mine and she has gone to a little cabin on a bluff by the ocean for many a holiday – by herself, no phone, just the ocean, cozy blankets, maybe a book or two. It’s 20 mins from her house, and yet she does it. I think it is brilliant.

    I hope you find your place and time to revitalize

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