I’m so tired.
And not just the kind of tired you become when you don’t get enough sleep. Though, that certainly may be part of it.
Nor is it the kind of tired you feel after a exerting a lot of energy. Again, sometimes there’s that too.
Nor is it the general sense of exhaustion that comes with depression. But, I wouldn’t be surprised if there wasn’t a smidge of that too.
The tired I’ve been feeling for a while now goes deeper. And it manifests itself in just a deep need to be left alone. I’m not feeling particularly misanthropic, I just want to be left alone – no obligations to anyone or anything – until it gets to the point where I don’t want to be alone anymore.
I used to think my desire, no, need, for solitude was somewhat pathological and symptomatic of chronic depression. That was until I took the Meyers Briggs Personality Type test. If you’re unfamiliar with it, do check into it, because I’m too tired to explain it all here. But for those who are familiar, or who just clicked on the link and are now illuminated into the world of Meyers Briggs, I am an INTJ. I’m very very strong on the Introversion and Intuitive, but my Thinking could easily flip into a flip into a Feeling depending on when I take the test, as could my Judging turn to Perceiving. But Introversion? It was something ridiculous like 90-95%. Now, anyone who knows me personally and are not familiar with the Meyers Briggs meaning of introversion are probably laughing their asses off.
But, from a Meyers Briggs perspective, the Introversion-Extraversion preference really comes down to where you get your energy. Extroverts get their energy through action, through interactions with others – external stimulation. Whereas with introverts, we need time to reflect. All that external stimulation runs down our battery. We need time alone to recharge. My battery needs some serious recharging.
It’s not that I don’t spend a lot of time alone. I do. I live alone and I like it, but the time I spend alone in the evening only recharges my battery enough to get through the next day. On the weekends there is the boyfriend, who (even though he will deny it because it goes against his own story of being the poor, sensitive lad who was misunderstood by his parents and society) is most definitely an extravert. I think he is energized by my mere presence and feels like he doesn’t really need to make an effort to have fun. Where, for me, his presence is a drain on my battery, and we damn well better do something fun to justify the energy expenditure on my part. It’s a struggle.
My fantasy vacation is a week or two in a little cabin up in the redwoods somewhere. Alone. Maybe I’d leave the cabin and go for a walk. Maybe not. Maybe I’d spend the first few days wrapped in a blanket catching up on my reading. Maybe I’d work on my novel. Maybe I’d just mindlessless surf the web. I wouldn’t have to report to anyone, have anyone report to me, or be responsible for the feeding or entertaining of any other soul than myself.
Oh man, that sounds so good. Maybe someday. But, for now, my battery has enough charge to get through the day. And I guess that’s good enough for now.