Neither here nor there


It’s been a weird week.

As I explained in my last post, there was the elation of the Obama win, the tears and anger of the Prop  8 passage. Then there was happiness of the job offer, and then the frustration of the stalled salary negotiations (I still don’t have a final offer). I was thrilled I didn’t have go into the office, and majorly pissed off that I had to work from home instead of taking my promised vacation time. There was excitement about my NaNoWritMo project, and the disappointment at how pedestrian my fiction writing has turned out to be.  My office transformation has likewise stalled. My room is red, the new desk is in place, but some of the other things simply arent’ coming together.

You would think with all these conflicting emotions, I’d be feeling like I was on an emotional roller coaster.  But, I’m not. It’s not that much fun or scary. Instead I just feel stuck in neutral.  My inner clutch has gone out and I’m just sitting here revving the ol’ engine.  I want to move forward, or hell, even back up if it means I can eventually move forward.  Maybe part of the problem is that I’ve been mostly alone for the last week.  But, wait, I like being alone.  Yet, sometimes emotions have to be shared in order to be processed.  The beauty of the elation of Obama’s win was that it was a shared victory.   People were literally dancing in the streets.  People were unashamed to share their joy and tears of happiness.  Everyone seemed to “get” it.  And while the people I watched the results with did not break out in spontaneous dancing or hugging of strangers, it did feel good to be surrounded by others who were sharing my joy.  I still get verklempt whenever they show footage from that night.

And then there is the matter of a certain anniversary of a traumatic and violent event that happened 28 years ago today.  There has been a part of me that wants to just write it out – to share the pain, and even the triumph of overcoming it.  Some years the anniversary just passes and I don’t even notice it.  This year, it seems to have jumped into the emotional stew pot along with everything else that is happening or not happening as the case may be.  But, to write about it when take time away from NaNoWriMo. Hell, even writing this blog entry is taking time away from my new, cruel word count mistress.

So, the question for the day is, do I be a good NaNoWriMo-er and push past my boredom with my own words and characters, or do I cough up a big ugly emotional hairball for ya’ll to read and cringe, or do I spend most of my day on a quest for the perfect curtains.  This may be the last day off I have for a while.  What to do? What to do?


11 responses »

  1. What a week — I feel a bit dizzy just reading it (or maybe my coffee has yet to totally kick in). I’m not much help on the hard stuff, but curtains — now you’re speaking my language! I was going to respond, decided not to, but now I can’t stop thinking about it. Have you considered getting some cool fabric instead of curtains? Do you have a rod you can put rings on? They make rings with clips (similar to roach clips) you can put on a rod and clip anything too You woudn’t even have to sew if you don’t want to — just turn over the top and fray the bottom or let it billow on the floor, depending on your window. Plus it’s a fairly inexpensive solution so when you do find the curtains of your dreams, you can make a kitty pillow out of your curtians and replace them.

  2. I think maybe the fact that the anniversary is causing “stuckness” is an indicator that maybe you should write it out. At least start writing it out. If it doesn’t come, leave it and move on to Nano. Skip the curtains. At least that’s what I would do.

    Whatever you decide to do, take care of yourself. I have several bad anniversaries in November. I got through one okay but today is another and we’ll see if I get past that one. I have another on the 15th so I’m trying to get as much of nano done so I can veg out if I need to. I’m behind, though so we’ll see.

    Take care. That’s important. Take care.

  3. I myself would simply get out of the house and take a walk in the rain (which it is doing here now). I love the smell of the rain and the sound of the water slowly making its way to the ground through the curtain of redwood boughs.

    And hopefully come back, all refreshed and ready for whatever it is that needs to be done next.

    Good luck

  4. We are writers — we are the closest thing to magicians there is in the world. We write the future and we write the past, and we change things and we fix things, and sometimes we just document the fact that we, and the aforementioned things exist, and we still exist, and that life goes on. {{{LB}}}

    Hairballs aren’t pretty, but they don’t belong inside. They don’t digest there. Today is a day for remembering — I hope you wrote yourself some medicine. Hang in.

  5. i have had a very similar week to you. a few major issues being resolved or unravelling. It is two of them my thoughts constantly return to. The first the thought of returning to a nkt centre … i just resolved (today) not to go down that road again. & facing my mother who emotionally abused us, suffering from a mental illness & now wants to take me to court to see my children. i have never really accepted that we were abused, i have always rationalised it. I have constantly made an effort to maintain a r’ship with her but she will disappear for months on end. She is not happy to see them with me present, she wants them on her own.
    just today i have finally accepted that this is my past, i didn’t want to acknowledge or own that label ‘abused as a child’. it is simply a fact & now that i have faced it – man it’s not the monster i thought it would be. Because my peace of mind is important.

    i hope it helps, otherwise i apologise for too much information.

  6. try this~

    crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap

    rinse and repeat

  7. “… or do I cough up a big ugly emotional hairball for ya’ll to read and cringe?”

    Uuhhh, i’m already cringing and i like it a lot.

  8. yup that’d be a hair ball all right ~ but it looks purty die gested two me = processed even. What goes in eventually must come out.

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