It’s been a weird week.
As I explained in my last post, there was the elation of the Obama win, the tears and anger of the Prop 8 passage. Then there was happiness of the job offer, and then the frustration of the stalled salary negotiations (I still don’t have a final offer). I was thrilled I didn’t have go into the office, and majorly pissed off that I had to work from home instead of taking my promised vacation time. There was excitement about my NaNoWritMo project, and the disappointment at how pedestrian my fiction writing has turned out to be. My office transformation has likewise stalled. My room is red, the new desk is in place, but some of the other things simply arent’ coming together.
You would think with all these conflicting emotions, I’d be feeling like I was on an emotional roller coaster. But, I’m not. It’s not that much fun or scary. Instead I just feel stuck in neutral. My inner clutch has gone out and I’m just sitting here revving the ol’ engine. I want to move forward, or hell, even back up if it means I can eventually move forward. Maybe part of the problem is that I’ve been mostly alone for the last week. But, wait, I like being alone. Yet, sometimes emotions have to be shared in order to be processed. The beauty of the elation of Obama’s win was that it was a shared victory. People were literally dancing in the streets. People were unashamed to share their joy and tears of happiness. Everyone seemed to “get” it. And while the people I watched the results with did not break out in spontaneous dancing or hugging of strangers, it did feel good to be surrounded by others who were sharing my joy. I still get verklempt whenever they show footage from that night.
And then there is the matter of a certain anniversary of a traumatic and violent event that happened 28 years ago today. There has been a part of me that wants to just write it out – to share the pain, and even the triumph of overcoming it. Some years the anniversary just passes and I don’t even notice it. This year, it seems to have jumped into the emotional stew pot along with everything else that is happening or not happening as the case may be. But, to write about it when take time away from NaNoWriMo. Hell, even writing this blog entry is taking time away from my new, cruel word count mistress.
So, the question for the day is, do I be a good NaNoWriMo-er and push past my boredom with my own words and characters, or do I cough up a big ugly emotional hairball for ya’ll to read and cringe, or do I spend most of my day on a quest for the perfect curtains. This may be the last day off I have for a while. What to do? What to do?