Not all here, but not quite there


For anyone who has been paying attention to my “tweets” in the top of the right column, may have noticed I’ve been interviewing for a new job.  While I was not exactly actively looking for a new job, I’ve been bored  in my current position for quite a while now, and I’ve been less than happy with the lack of rewarding work that is coming my way. I was putting out my feelers, and looking at job postings and just generally staying open to any possibilities that may come my way.

It all started about a month ago when one of my colleagues, Bea, called me to tell me she was leaving her job.  I always really liked Bea.  She had such a sunny disposition, that the sun should be ashamed of being such a slacker.  After wishing her well I asked who was going to replace her.  The job hadn’t even been posted yet.  “So, how much does it pay?” I blurted out.  “Serious?”  “Serious.”  “Oh my god we so need to talk.”

We had a peer group meeting later that week where Bea and I spent more time outside the meeting room talking about the job and trying to set up an immediate interview with her boss.  By the time I left that meeting, my first informal interview was set up for the next day.

The meeting went really well.  I was excited.  My potential new boss (PNB) was excited.  Why shouldn’t she be? I would be managing the department that depends heavily on the web applications that I helped design, and about which I am considered the company expert.  My user community never really has used my applications to their full potential.  Now would be the chance to show the other sites how it should be done.

When the job was finally officially posted, my PNB called me at home to tell me to apply right away as it was not going to be up there for long.  She knew what she wanted, and didn’t need to sort through a whole bunch of other applicants.  We set up an appointment for my official interview.

As expected, it went well.  I came armed with solid ideas that could be implemented the day I set foot in the door and could save her department thousands of dollars.  She wanted me.  She wanted me bad.  If she had her way, we’d already be negotiating salary.

But, I work for a very large organization.  There are processes and procedures.  And lots of other people who have to get involved, particularly for a management position.  So, I wait.  I think next week I get to have one of those oh so charming panel type of interviews with a cross section of other managers I would be interacting with.  Time to break out the serious interview wear.

In the meantime, I’m trying to stay present in my current gig and act like I still care.  But I kinda don’t.  The other day I spent most of the day fantasizing about throwing myself a going away party, and wondering how all my current colleagues would hit it off with my real life friends.  I was amused at the prospects.  Oh right. I still have a job to do, and the new job is hardly guaranteed.  Right.

I guess this is a good practice.  Stay present.  Don’t get attached to something that doesn’t even exist yet, and don’t develop aversion for what is in front of you.  I just have to keep reminding myself of that.  Again. And again . . . and again.


28 responses »

  1. even if the attachment to non existent things like a job ya don’t have yet is kinda uncomfortable eye’d say itz a sign of good things to come regardless of the out come on this partikular sitchy ashun.

    remembering what we’re sposed to forget is treeeky eh?

  2. wonna my favoritizms is = In samsara when ever we get what we want, if we check, it is always right next to something we don’t want.

    or the udder classic

    There are only two tragedies in life: not getting what you want, and getting it.

  3. I agree with you on the importance of being present in the moment; not living in the future. And yet, and yet.

    What is hope except thinking in the future tense?

    Years ago, when California first had a proposition to allow lotteries — legal gambling so long as we can tax it — I voted against. Because lotteries are a regressive tax. Rich people don’t play it as much as poor people, because the rich know the odds. (Was it Warren Buffett who called lotteries a tax on stupidity?)

    But I’ve come around a bit. Because a lottery ticket gives people something to hope for. When so much else sucks for someone, a bit of hope ain’t such a bad thing.

    Sorry for longwindedness — but you know, taking a moment to daydream and hope for something you’d prefer? Not entirely a bad thing. 😉

  4. “In samsara when ever we get what we want, if we check, it is always right next to something we don’t want.”

    Indeed, one of the most ingratiating and frustrating qualities it has.

    I guess if i applied my mind, it would be a really good one for ol’ renunciation to bite into.

  5. how about ~ renunciation is the radical and complete rejection of the mediocre = ? eye kinda like the way that one has been rattlin around.

  6. so if hope is a form of prayer then the difference would be hope has a predetermined outcome ~ like ‘winning’ the lottery (even if later I find it has trashed my life) – and prayer is more open ended like may I be led to the job where I can do the most good ?

  7. yeah but this thing about hope and prayer ~ that’s really got me going – that’s got me going so I can’t sleep at night ~ you really got me ~ you really got me . .

    wears Gladys Knight when ya need her ? oo sock it to me sock it to me

  8. I guess it’s a matter of trying to keep some balance about the whole thing. I think hope is a good thing, and it feels purty nice. Yet I completely recognize that a new job is not the key to happy ever after, and frankly I could just be stepping into a different pile ‘o shit. And all the while, I try and stay as present as I can with my current gig. We’ll see how long I can keep my mind balanced – seems like a lot of effort, ya know. The nature of things is out of balance, but I’ll do what I can.

    Thanks for all the well wishes, y’all. I appreciate it.

  9. I have the same question as OmbudsBen … I’ve been told again and again that life isn’t worth living without hope, but what is hope, if it isn’t attachment to something that hasn’t materialized yet? I see your answer that you realize the job isn’t the magic bullet, but still … how can hope not be a form of attachment?

    This is something that really interests me, so if you have a second to elucidate, I would be very appreciative.

  10. Baron – It’s an interesting question that does deserve mulling.

    Hope isn’t really a big word in Buddhism. In Buddhism we believe everything arises from causes – cause and effect – so if we create the causes, eventually, we will experience the effect. The key word here is eventually, plus there are all kinds of causes we’ve created before, so who the hell knows what will arise.

    Hope, to me, seems a bit passive, ya know? But, I believe that thinking positively about the future is important, because if we can’t imagine something, how can we work towards creating it?

    So, I guess, hope is about maintaining that tricky balance of trying to create a better future while staying full present to what is in front of you. Hope is not blind faith that things will be better . . . ah shit, I have to go to work. Perhaps others will chime in.

  11. according to my virgin of the OED ‘hope’ takes up 3 full collums and at -.001 type face dats alotta splaynin in dere.

    ‘desire + expectation’ and/or ‘faith & trust’ top the list. being that we r die zire realms beans attachment is parta the mix no madder watt.

    seams to me the question is how to work with and/or against attachment in some mean ing full way rather than trying to out run it witch iz an implausibility.

    even Buddhas have desire as in the freedom of all and expectation two in that they expect us to become enlightened sum day and since they iz timeless from there poynt o view we all red eye iz.

  12. How exciting, and frustrating. I’m sending you luck and good wishes. Unfortunately, I’ve gone as far as I can in my job. There’s nothing above me, nothing to look forward to or aim at.

  13. well ifya connect hope up as = desire + expectation, then that seems alot like = motivation + faith in the infail ability of cawz n effect. the big dif of coors in the quality of the motor vation n the level of understanding karma but the mechanix seams the same eh ?

  14. BB Golly – Thanks for chiming in. I like that: hope = “desire + expectation” or “faith + trust.” Perhaps it is the expectation part that gets us in trouble. I mean, we all want things we currently don’t have, but it’s how we manage the expectations that we will get those things. If we don’t create any causes for these good things to happen, then it’s all just magical thinking.

    In my own case, on a very mundane level, I’ve created the causes to get this job: I’m qualified, my resume sells me well, I’ve done well in my interviews and I’ve put together some really impressive references. I have reason to hope. Yet, I’m trying to stay fully grounded the fact that nothing is certain, even though others are saying it’s a slam dunk. But, until I get the offer, I’ve still got my current job to do.

    Stevo – Thank you. The position I am currently in didn’t have any room for growth, and I have been there for 8 years, and I’m not loving it. So, even though it will be scary to move to a whole different division of the company, it will certainly shake me out of my long career malaise.

    BB Golly – If you expect to be surprised and nothing happens, I still end up surprised, but just not in the same way.

    Am – Thanks. 🙂

  15. “Yet, I’m trying to stay fully grounded the fact that nothing is certain, even though others are saying it’s a slam dunk.”

    as our dear billy mite have sed = it all depends on what your deaf-finish-on of ‘it’ is.

    the slam dunk is that your worth is being acknowledge with all the attendant pride pit-falls and deserved prayz.

    The x pect tayshun part seams two me iz all about form = this promotion at this time in this company. May bee nun of thatz gonna come to pass but sure az shootin yer star iz on the rise no madder watt form it takes.

    n eye still HOPE you git the yob = SuRpRiZe ! !

  16. Update: After numerous meetings and interviews with various and sundry managers and chiefs at potential new work place, the director, the one who wants to hire me, tells me she has to start the process all over. Apparently, she got called on the carpet for short cutting the process to get me in the door. So, she has to reopen the position and find a couple more candidates to interview and present to the panel. Sigh. She says this is no reflection on me as a candidate – she still wants to hire me – but to make sure she does due diligence she has to interview other people.

    But, yeah, it’s disappointing and I feel like it’s slipping away. But, I’ve been in a bit of downer mood anyway. Just fuel for the fire, ya know?

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