At both work and the drama at the center, I feel as if people are trying to help me, but it really has nothing to do with me, but rather than own personal agendas.
Last week, a couple of staff programmers pulled me and another colleague aside to say they wanted to help us get what we need from our defensive and uncommunicative project lead. They listened to our complaints and made note and plans on how to present this to our manager in the most effective way. Great. Good. I’m glad someone is listening. That was until one of the programmers, Scott, started to air some of his own prejudices towards the programmers from India (including the project lead). At first, his comments were somewhat reasonable – contractors should not be leading projects, cultural differences, etc. But, then it moved into the realm of paranoia – these contractors had infiltrated the highest levels of the organization and soon there will soon only be hiring their own kind. He said they’ll do anything for a green card, including fob all their mistakes on us so we are the ones made to look bad. I considered Scott to be a good guy – we joke and discuss current events together – but his sweeping negative generalizations of our Indian colleagues made me very, very uneasy.
The next day, both my colleague decided to not to accept their help, and go about resolving our issues another way. Scott was disappointed with us for backing out, but he’ll get over it. I simply did not want to be complicit in his prejudices and fears.
The teacher/center drama continues. Last night I had already pretty much accepted that the fate of our center was out of my hands. I was disappointed that the students were going to be left with an inexperienced teacher, but who was I to say that they would not end up loving her. I was truly fine with it. There was even a sense of relief that there would be no more decisions about whether to stay or go. It was made for me. Cool.
However, last night a friend of mine called. “Good news!” she chirps. “The new teacher at the main center wants to meet with you. I told her what a wonderful teacher you are and how you’ve been covering the class for the last year.” Oh sweet Buddha on a cross. My friend had been more outraged at the decision of who was to cover those classes than I was. And while I’m sure she was angry at the way I had been treated, and some concern on what was best for our local center, but a lot of it had to do with her animosity towards the person who had been selected.
So, I’ll talk to the new teacher at the main center. I hear she’s a very down-to-earth, kind woman. I’m going to be honest with her about where I’m at with the whole NKT and local situation. I need to take a big break from all this nonsense. Perhaps permanent. I don’t know yet.
It’s hard for me to call people on their bullshit. I’m trying to find skillful ways of maintaining my integrity and do the right thing for myself, and hopefully for others. Sometimes I’m successful, sometimes not.