I dreamed that I was preparing to give a dharma talk. I believe it was something on anger and patient acceptance. The venue was filling up with lots of people, 20% of whom were in wheel chairs and I was behind the scenes trying to find some quiet space to prepare. There were a bunch of people talking, socializing, most of whom were on bicycles. Some of them I recognize as my old sangha. I tried asking them nicely to give me some space to prepare, but they all ignored me. I tried getting wrathful on their asses, but they continued to ignore me. I was frustrated, feeling disrespected, completely unprepared and something of a fraud. I had the barest of notes with me, and hated the fact that I would have to rely upon them. I woke up as I started walking into the room to start the talk.
It’s interesting that this dream would come up after I gave what I suspect will be my last teaching in the NKT the other night. At some point I will need to resign from my center, or I may simply be written off. There are too many questions in my mind re: the organization, and I’m feeling the need to look at other options in terms of dharma. I’m not quite ready to break up with Geshe-la as my spiritual guide, but I need to take a break and make sure it’s right. I feel I made that commitment a bit young in my spiritual life without having checked out other teachers or traditions.
Upon further contemplation of this dream, I started to feel comforted by all the wheels (wheelchairs, bicycles). It felt like no matter what the circumstance – fortunate or not – I am surrounded by the wheel of dharma. I find that very reassuring
Mr. Binkles is turning into an interesting exercise in staying in the moment. He’s bitten me a number of times, and I feel very wary around him. Yet, I want him to be a full-fledged member of the household, and not relegated to one room, so I need to let him out and let him do his thing. One of the things he enjoys doing is chewing on my pant leg while I’m at desk or standing in the kitchen. This makes me very nervous, as in the past it has been a prelude to a bite. So, to just let him do that and stay alert to signs he’s about to go over the line is indeed a practice. My urge is to flee, yell at him, distract him, ANYTHING to get him away from my ankle. But our relationship changes a little every day, so there is no need to hold on to old fears and prejudices.
OK, off to work and another day of frustration . . . but, it’s a new day, why hold on to the old?