Welcome to my life


Normally, I’m a fairly patient person. I have a very long fuse, that rarely makes it to the point of explosion. But I feel like I’m getting pushed to that point with the project I’m on at work. It’s highly visible, extremely political, on short timeline, and poorly managed. Even though I am a SME (subject matter expert) with this kind of application, I have little control and feel as if I have been pushed aside. It makes for very frustrating days.

Yesterday, the day was topped with a invitation for dinner with a bunch of gals from work for Monday night. The dinner had been planned for a while, but I wasn’t on the original invitation list. Maybe it was a simple oversight. Maybe it was symptomatic of how I am viewed by my colleagues. There were hints that one of the women going was not comfortable with me. It hurts, but I shouldn’t be surprised because I really have very little in common with most of my colleagues in this department.

As I was stewing in my frustration and isolation, the insanely catchy song, Welcome to My Life, by the Canadian band, Simple Plan plays on my iPod.

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don’t belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels all right
You don’t know what it’s like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like
Welcome to my life

Yes, I am a middle-aged IT professional and sometime meditation teacher, and I’m relating a smidge too strongly with a emo pop song written about teenage angst. Pathetic.

On my way home, I remembered what Geshe-la said about cherishing others. And again, I paraphrase (poorly): when we have a mind of love, we will never be lonely. So, I moved my mind out of my ass, and instead focused outward, towards those I care about. I felt my mind immediately lighten. Yes, I still had a shitty day, and yes, I’d rather spend my 40+ hours a week with people who I feel ‘get’ me. But this mind that gets mired in self-pity, that believes that our suffering is somehow unique and special, is not going to do me or anyone else any good. It’s a very immature mind, and a grossly incorrect one at that.

Maybe that song should be titled instead Welcome to Our Lives (in Samsara).


2 responses »

  1. Aha! I really feel like I have found a kindred spirit. I also am an IT professional who often feels out of place. I work in a school, so that helps, but in my actual field of work I often feel like I just don’t “fit” – I’m far from your typical geek though I understand the stuff well. I really understand what you’re saying, and often feel that way myself. Hang in there, and know that you’re not alone…

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