She’s gone

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Nomie’s little body gave out today.  If I wanted to prolong her suffering, I probably could have waited another couple of hours and she would have gone on her own.  But, that seemed cruel.  When I brought her home from the vet, her little body was convulsing.  I knew it was time.  Fortunately, the vet I normally don’t like all that much had given me his home number in case I needed it tonight.  I did.

Her last couple of hours were no doubt frightening and a bit painful for her.  I held her the whole time and talked to her and chanted OM MANI PAME HUM.  When the vet came over, he took care of business quickly.  I held her as her little body went into its death convulsions and continued to chant.  It was over fairly quickly.

She’s still in her favorite chair.  The other two can sniff her and perhaps understand what has happened to their friend.  In Tibetan tradition the body remains untouched for a period of time (not sure, but I’m giving it 24 hours).  Tomorrow night, my friends will come over and do a powa – transference of consciousness ritual – for her and then she will be buried.

The sense of loss is profound.  I hated that she suffered at all.  Yet, I know I did the right thing by bringing her home, and not leaving her in the hospital overnight.   It was her time. I didn’t want her dying alone in a hospital, nor did I want to extend her pain.  She was held.  She was loved to the very end.

I invited my teacher to the powa.  Hell, I need someone there who knows the ritual. If she gives me the company line that putting an animal to sleep is wrong, I don’t know what I’ll say.  I would rather let the negative karma ripen upon me than to see her suffer for one more minute.

Now, I am left with pain.  She was my special girl.  We had an incredible connection.  I’m going to miss her so fucking much.

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