Damn. I’ve depressed myself further by the mere title alone.
But sometimes it feels like that. Work is most definitely a joyless obligation. It’s a paycheck. A good one at that. The benefits are also good, along with a ridiculous amount of Paid Time Off. My boss isn’t an ogre, and lets me work from home one day a week without question. I’m fortunate on many levels. Yet, I’m bored. Very, very bored.
My work at my dharma center has also become a joyless obligation. This is not expected, nor is it something I have to put up with (unlike work). Your spiritual path should not be a source of suffering. The tendency is to blame the teacher for the lack of joy at the center. She’s a damn fine teacher – knows her shit and her teaching manner is warm and inspiring. It’s when she is interacting with her students that the problems begin. Like us, she is a troubled human being with good intentions. It is not her intention to come across as cold, judgemental and brusque. But, she does. And as a teacher, people look to her for warmth and acceptance. That is not her strength. So people are disillusioned and hurt and have fled the center, leaving only a small handful of us. And it has become a drudgery.
Festival is just about over, and our teacher and Admin Director will be coming back, probably full of ideas and enthusiasm. I am dreading it. Really and truly dreading it. For the last few months, my work there has been a joyless obligation. I made promises though, so I felt obliged to deliver. I don’t want to make any more promises. I’m tired of holding that place up. Something has to give. There are options. I just need to think and meditate on this more.
The relationship is pretty good right now, though there are definitely periods when it feels like a joyless obligation. He’s trying to be understanding that I’ve been going through a hard time. We’re going to take a weekend roadtrip up to the Gold Country. The cats will be OK for a night. It’ll be good to get away and stop stewing in my own juices for a day or two.