Do I stay or do I go?

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My teacher, who has been the object of much of my pain and anger, is truly out of my life.  Yesterday, on her way back from Festival in Singapore, she was not allowed back into the US because her Visa had expired.  So, she left on the next plane out to her homeland of Canada.   My feelings about it were all over the map, but the best analogy I have is that it felt like someone I was getting ready to break up with had up and died instead, leaving me as a potential executor of her will.

Teachers come and teachers go with unsettling regularity in the NKT.  That no longer surprises me.  But for her to have allowed her Visa to expire?  I’m not buying that excuse for a minute.  She was on top of that shit.  Whether this was a conscious or unconscious way of getting out of situation here (basically a sinking ship of a center), I guess it doesn’t matter.  It’s the lack of honesty that bugs though.

However, with this obstacle removed, I am now face-to-face with my questions and obstacles re: the NKT.  If there is a time to leave, it is now.  The coast is clear.  However, as an officer of the center, I need to help during the transition. If the new teacher is someone I like does staying mean I’m denying my issues with the underlying organization?  I fear that if someone new comes, I’ll get sucked back in again now that the excuse of the rift with my teacher is gone.  Yet I want to be able to help my friends who are excited for a new start for our center.

I just have to keep in mind it’s the dharma, dummy.  Everything else is ordinary, and by its own nature, infused with suffering.  My own practice has fallen off in the last couple of weeks since Mr. Binkles has entered my life (How chickenshit is that?  blaming it on a cute wittle bunny wabbit.  For shame!) But, he does now have custody of the sun room, which was where I meditated in the morning.   Something needs to change.  Tomorrow Mr. Binkles and I need to figure something else out in terms of his housing so I can reclaim my meditation space.

I wish for the comfort of certainty.    Sometimes just making a damn decision, even if it turns out to be a bad one, is such a relief.   I’m no longer willing to embrace the NKT, nor am I quite willing to let go.   However, If I can remember to keep going for refuge, I’ll be OK either way.

6 responses »

  1. . . . I”m sure you’ll make the right decisions for yourself and the others around you just keep at your practice, dealing with doubts are a good thing for us because it helps us see the questions.

    Good luck

  2. yeah – welpers i thin you got a few trains of thawt here babalouie. first of all eye like the seperation of the Dharma from the org = they aint the same – trouble iz ya gatta deal with both and maybe in the same way? To call it all a “purification” is probably just puttin lipstick on a pig – on the other hand some “thing” is werking itself out within the context of everyone’s karma eh? this whirled is headin fur trouble – what should exempt Dharma Centers the NKT or our own little personal hide outs from shakin in the same way?

  3. I’ve been facing this decision almost since I first encountered the controversy of the NKT over a year ago. Again, the issue was brought into relief when my teacher left, as she was so important in my being there. I decided to stay. I know of people who have left and I’m not sure that was the less traumatic path to take. I’ve found strength and growth in sticking it out but maintaining my own integrity and following my own path within the framework of the NKT. I also go to another Centre, which helps give me some perspective on dharma outside of the cente, and that helps a lot.

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